Introduction
Self-aggression is easy to notice when it leaves marks: cuts, burns, pulled hair, bruises, risky behavior. But behind those marks, there is often not stupidity, fashion, or an attempt to annoy adults.
There may be pain that a person does not know how to put into words.
In an OpenHalt conversation, psychologist and Gestalt therapist Alexey Zhirkov describes self-aggression as a way of turning inward what could not be expressed outward: anger, fear, guilt, tension, or a need for help. He also explains why addiction can work in a similar way: a person harms themselves in order to survive something that feels unbearable.
Anger That Has Nowhere Safe to Go
Alexey defines self-aggression as a response in which aggression, unprocessed feelings, fear, or tension is directed toward the self.
He starts with a simple childhood example. A child is angry at a parent because they did not get something they wanted. But the parent is too important, too powerful, too needed. The anger cannot safely go outward, so it turns inward: the child throws themselves down, hits their head, hurts themselves.
In adulthood, the forms can change: self-harm, harsh self-punishment, risky behavior, substance use, repeated self-destruction.
In Gestalt therapy, a related word is “retroflection”: energy that could have gone outward turns back toward the person.
It Is Not Always Unconscious
Is self-aggression always unconscious? Alexey is careful: not always.
Sometimes a person truly does not realize how much they are harming themselves. They drink, use substances, take risks, and never ask, “What am I doing to myself?”
But sometimes a person knows they are cutting, burning, piercing, pulling hair, or doing something dangerous. They may know that it calms them down. Being aware of the action does not mean there is no pain behind it.
Constructive and Destructive Self-Aggression
Alexey separates self-aggression into constructive and destructive forms.
Constructive forms are not necessarily about destruction. They can involve changing the body or expressing the self: tattoos, piercings, bright makeup, dyed hair, a dramatic haircut. The key is context: why the person is doing it, whether it is chosen, whether it is safe, whether it causes harm.
Destructive self-aggression is aimed at damage: cuts, burns, injuries, addictive behavior, repeated self-destructive actions.
The line is not always in the action itself. A tattoo in a safe studio can be self-expression. A tattoo done impulsively, unsafely, or as self-punishment can be part of self-destruction.
When the Nervous System Cannot Hold More
One important idea in the conversation is that the nervous system is not limitless. It cannot hold, tighten, and endure forever. It needs an outlet.
If anger, fear, shame, guilt, or pain cannot find words, it may come out through the body. In teenagers, this can look like cutting, burning, pulling hair or eyelashes, or other self-harm. It can feel like a release: the feeling was unbearable, the person did something to the body, and the tension dropped for a while.
In that sense, self-aggression can become an adaptation. Distorted and dangerous, but momentarily effective. Addiction can work the same way: at first it may feel like anesthesia, then it begins to destroy.
Teenagers: A Request That Cannot Be Said Directly
A large part of the conversation focuses on teenage self-harm. Alexey talks about his research among girls in college: some self-harm was connected to the need to be seen, to receive attention, to be cared for, to make adults notice pain.
It is easy to call this manipulation. But that word can hide the main thing: the person does not know how to ask directly.
Cuts in visible places may say, “Look at me. I am not okay. I cannot handle this.” Cuts on thighs or hidden places may say something else: “I need to calm down, but I do not want anyone to interfere.”
Either way, punishment is not the answer. Seeing the pain is.
Self-Harm Does Not Always Mean Suicidal Intent
Alexey emphasizes that self-aggression does not always mean a person wants to die.
It can be a way to regulate emotions, punish oneself, show pain, ask for help, or regain a sense of control. That does not make it safe.
Self-harm can lead to serious injury even without suicidal intent. A person can misjudge depth, danger, or their own state. Any self-injury deserves attention and support, not home diagnosis.
If there are thoughts of death, a plan, immediate danger, or fresh serious injuries, urgent help is needed: emergency services, a doctor, a crisis line, or psychiatric support.
Self-Aggression and Addiction
The link with addiction appears through self-destruction and self-punishment.
A person with addiction may blame the world. Or they may turn all blame inward: “It is my fault,” “I failed,” “I am bad,” “I deserve to suffer.” Substance use can then become not only a way to avoid pain, but also a way to punish the self.
Alcohol, nicotine, drugs, injection use, and risky behavior can become part of a self-aggressive pattern. The person harms themselves, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not.
Self-aggression and addiction can both bring brief relief. Both can repeat. Both can carry an illusion of control.
The Illusion of Control
Alexey gives an example of a patient who cut herself because it calmed her down. She knew what she was doing. The sight of blood and the process itself soothed her. But one day she cut too deeply.
Maksim compares this with addiction. A person may think they control the dose, the method, the timing, the limit. Someone with alcohol addiction may decide to drink “a little” and wake up near several empty bottles.
The illusion of control lasts until control is gone.
How Loved Ones Can Respond
The most dangerous response is shame and prohibition. “Do not do that,” “are you stupid?”, “I will punish you,” “you are doing this for attention” – these phrases deepen isolation.
A better beginning sounds different:
- I see that you are in pain.
- I am not going to punish you, but I want to understand.
- You do not have to tell me everything right away.
- Let us find an adult or a professional you can talk to.
- If you are in danger right now, we will act quickly and together.
The role of a loved one is not to interrogate. It is to notice the pain and help the person not stay alone with it.
A Psychologist’s Perspective
Self-aggression often appears where there is no safe way to express anger, fear, or a request for help.
When a child or teenager hurts themselves, adults want to stop the behavior immediately. That is understandable. But prohibition alone is not enough. It may hide the symptom while leaving the cause untouched.
The question is what stands behind the behavior: emotional neglect, shame, guilt, trauma, loneliness, family conflict, addiction, bullying, fear, or not being allowed to feel anger.
Adults who harm themselves also need help, not blame. Especially when self-harm or substance use has become the only way to calm down.
What You Can Do
- Do not dismiss the pain, even if the behavior looks dramatic.
- Do not punish self-harm. Punishment increases shame and secrecy.
- Ask calmly: “What were you feeling before this? What felt lighter afterward?”
- Reduce access to dangerous objects if risk is high, but do not turn the home into a prison.
- Find professional help: therapist, psychiatrist, crisis support, emergency care if needed.
- If addiction is present, work not only with the substance, but also with guilt, anger, shame, and trauma.
- If life is at risk, seek urgent medical help.
FAQ
Is self-aggression always dangerous?
Yes, it should be taken seriously. Not every act of self-harm means a person wants to die, but any self-injury points to pain and risk that should not be ignored.
Does self-harm mean someone wants to die?
Not always. Sometimes a person is trying to lower tension, punish themselves, or show pain. But the risk of serious injury remains, so support is needed.
Why does a teenager cut themselves?
Reasons vary: emotional overload, not being allowed to feel anger, loneliness, bullying, family conflict, shame, the need to be seen, or a way to calm the body through pain.
How are self-aggression and addiction connected?
Both can be ways to cope with pain, guilt, anxiety, or emptiness. Both can bring short relief and gradually become repeated destructive patterns.
Takeaway
Self-aggression is not stupidity or a bad trend. Often, it is pain that has not found another language.
Sometimes it speaks through wounds. Sometimes it hides in substance use. Sometimes it sounds like the inner sentence, “It is my fault, I should suffer.” In every version, a person needs contact, safety, and help more than punishment.
Asking for help is not weakness. Sometimes the weaker path is enduring alone until everything explodes. Strength begins when a person stops staying alone with pain.
OpenHalt
OpenHalt talks about addiction, self-aggression, and mental health in plain language, without shame or labels.
If you recognize yourself or someone close to you in this article, do not wait until things get worse. You can begin with one conversation, one professional, one support group, or one person who can bear the truth with you. Join an anonymous chat
